Stepfamilies And Remarriage
How do I keep a strong marriage while dealing with a stepfamily?
When you are in a second marriage, this is true if you're in a first marriage, but particularly true when you're in a second, subsequent marriage, your couples partnership is the weakest link because you, if you're the one with the children, you and your children have history. You have a whole past life and there's traditions and there's history, and your new spouse is not apart of that, and those new traditions and building your own history is going to take time. But your partner is with you because of you, not because of your children, so remembering what brought you together in the first place; date, have vacations without the kids, have time that you are who you are to strengthen that, your couple, your unique coupleness, and the more you strengthen that the easier it'll be for you to tolerate the stresses and strains that having children are going to bring and having ex partners are going to bring. So really nurturing the couple relationship, vitally important.
What do I do when my biological kids visit my stepfamily?
It's sometimes hard when biological kids, if they're visiting and they're not the ones who are in residence, come to visit the step family. And sometimes the mistake that everybody makes is they try to hard to expect that everybody is going to make a quick adjustment. But kids are going to feel real territorial. Your kids coming for a visit are going to feel strange because they're going to see you in a new house with maybe somebody else's kids and in a rhythm. They're going to feel strange, they're going to feel jealous and you need to be prepared for that. And the step kids might also feel territorial, you know, that all of a sudden your attention is going towards your biological children. So you're going to expect, I mean just expect that there's going to be jealousy, some territorial issues going on with the kids. So when your kids come in, what would be helpful is if you can set up a special place in the house for them. If you've got a room that you can give to them so they feel a part of the household. If you don't, find a way to not, you know, shove them in the basement, which you won't do but make them a part of. And you know in a few days when everybody is kind of you know integrated a little bit, then sit everybody down together, the whole family and talk about the house rules for the summer and make them a part of the house rules. So they can begin to integrate into the new family and it should help the little processing.
How do I balance time between my new spouse and my kids?
How to balance time? Being a parent and being a partner, this is the age old question everyone has. And it's a juggling act. There's no doubt about it. It's difficult. You're exhausted and you're probably working and you're running a household and it's tiring. But, every relationship takes some time to cultivate. I'm a big advocate of date night. I think date night carries a lot. Because then you know you have a set time to go out, you and your partner, and be together and play around and make love and be yourself as a couple. And then there should be some more ability to tolerate when you have to give attention to the children because children are very demanding. So, it's a balancing act, that's for sure. It doesn't take as much time as you think. It just takes some attention on the partnership. And then there will be the time for the kids.
What are tips for blending two families?
I think the tips for blending two families would be, slow down, don't expect everyone to get along. Don't expect your children to think it's so terrific to have all these new kids in your life. You know you throw a kid in school they're not going to all of a sudden love all the students around them. So the tips are, you and your partner keep your relationship strong, develop real clarity on who is going to discipline who, what the house rules are going to be and that you want to have a household of respect. And those are the rules that the kids in the house live by. Other than that let them duke it out, let them find their own relationships. Just like in a normal family, not all siblings get along, some really like each other, some can't stand each other. It's going to be the same here and there's going to be added jealousies. So they'll find their way eventually. Just like in any household with a bunch of kids it's going to be noisy and chaotic so just brace yourself.
What are tips for being a good stepparent?
It would really be helpful for you to educate yourself on the developmental level of your new step-children, because if you don't really understand what a 5 year old is capable of or a seven year old or what issues a 13 year old faces, you're really going to be in the dark. And, because you didn't have the chance to grow with the child and bond and connect, you're going to be much more intolerant and much more frustrated. So, learn the developmental level of your kids, of the step children, of what is realistic and what isn't. And be patient, try to get to know them as a friend, take an interest in who they are.
Where can I go to get help for my stepfamily?
You know today, to get help for your stepfamily is so much more available, because of the internet; the internet is the greatest resource today that people never had. Because, very often you're looking for a therapist, or you're looking for help, and I think a lot of therapists are very well-meaning, but they need to know the issues of a stepfamily; otherwise, you're working in a 'nuclear family' model, and it doesn't work. So the internet's amazing, and the Stepfamily Association, I think, is now called the National Stepfamily Resource Center, and on there they have, all over the country, clinicians that know about the stepfamily; they have resources of books and videos. So the internet is a great resource for you.
Does the 'Brady Bunch' model exist?
I hate the Brady Bunch, because that model of a stepfamily is what has just made it so impossible. People feel like such failures when it doesn't work so harmoniously. They made it look like everything was easy. The parents were always so patient, and the kids were always eventually so understanding. That is just not real life. And it's hurt people, you know. Just like all the fairy tales in Disney about the wicked stepmother, has made the stepmother position the hardest position in the stepfamily. Stepfathers, actually, have a slightly easier time than stepmothers. Stepmothers are often seen as mean and wicked and evil. And very often they're not wicked, evil people. So, no, there is no Brady Bunch family. I'm sure somewhere, some family made that happen, but I doubt it. I mean, it's just not real.