Top 10 Questions From Stepparents About Kids
How do I get my stepkids to listen to me?
Getting your stepkids to listen to you is going to depend on a lot of factors. First of all, it's going to be age of the kids. So, if you're coming in with younger kids it's going to be easier than if you come in with kids from 12, 13 and up, because if it's 12 and 13 and up, it's going to be harder. But if you're coming on like Gangbusters and demanding that they listen to you right away and accept you as a parent figure you're setting yourself up for a lot of failure. You need to not come on like that. In other words, if you're coming into that household thinking, "I'm a better disciplinarian than my spouse" and you start doing that, everyone is going to resent you. The kids are going to resent you, and your partner is going to resent you, so you're not going to win here. So, come in slowly. Let your partner do the disciplining, support your partner in the disciplining, and you take a step back. And over time you can establish respect by the children in the house that you're also going to help that parent enforce the house rules and over time that can develop into you being the enforcer of the house rules. Then they will listen to you, but you have to earn this. It doesn't come just because you're a parent in the household.
What if my spouse sides with the kids instead of me?
If your spouse is siding with the kids instead of you-- it's going to depend on how early in the relationship you're talking about. Understand first of all that your spouse is going to feel very guilty and caught in the middle a lot of the times and wanting to protect their children. But it's certainly something that you need to talk about with your spouse away from the children, that this is happening, and what it feels like, and let her or him tell you why and what's going on for them so you can begin the dialogue of, "I feel like I'm on the outside." Then he or she could tell you that they feel caught in the middle. You can begin to navigate this over time. If it continues for a long time, there's definitely a problem in your relationship because here she is just going to triangle off with the children, you're not going to be able to form a balance in the household that you're going to need to not cause marital problems.
What can I do to get my stepkids to like me?
I would say don't try too hard, and be fair and respectful with them. In other words, respect the fact that they have a position in that house with their parent and you are not going to undermine it. They are very important. They know how to feel completely loved in that house by their parent and that is how they still want to feel. Respect their position and respect that relationship. Don't come on criticizing them all the time because they won't like you. You don't have the credibility. You can criticize them just like their mother and their father, but they know that mom and dad love them. That buys a lot of leeway. They don't know how you feel about them and they don't know how they feel about you, so criticism by you carries so much more weight. So think about all those things when you're interacting with the kids and then over time a relationship might develop and form.
What if I don't like my stepkids?
That's a really tough one if you don't like your stepchildren, and I would have to say to you that there's probably a time in every step-parent's experience where they don't like their stepchildren, because they are not going to be accepting you when you think they should be and particularly if they're older. They're not going to take an intervention from you or discipline from you, or there'll be times they don't even want you there, and you are going to feel that they are ungrateful, that they're not appreciative. I mean this is pretty typical, so you're not going to like them. Try to remember that this is hard on them too and they're going to grow up, and if you could leave that door open that they're going to grow up into adults one day and they'll change too, then maybe you could just put it in a context. They're being a teenager right now, this is really complicated for them. A lot of people don't even like their own kids when they're teenagers, I mean it's really hard, so bear that in mind. And if you've been a parent before, try to remember that there were probably time that you didn't like your kids either but you loved them. The difference here is you don't love these kids and that does make a difference, so just consider that.
How do I get my stepkids to accept me as their parent?
Stepparents come in and ask me how they can get their stepchildren to accept them as their parent. I am going to tell you directly do not expect that, because they have got two parents. They do not really want another parent. And if they are ever going to accept you as a parent figure, it will be their choice, over time, when they decide. You cannot make this happen. They can accept you as an adult in the house, who follows the house rules, who they know is a support system for mom or dad, but you cannot get them. That implies forcing something and you really cannot force it. They will not accept it. You will be frustrated. They will not accept it and it will probably start causing just arguments and arguments in your marriage.
Is it possible to overstep my boundaries as a stepparent?
It is so possible for you to overstep your boundaries as a stepparent. Because if you want too hard to be the friend, want too hard to all of a sudden be the one who tells them what to do or tells the parent what to do, or helps with the homework, or all of a sudden you're there and you're just too much, too fast. You can really overstep those boundaries. The good news is everyone is going to let you know. So if you're paying attention, and you're not just barreling like a bull in a china shop, everyone is going to let you know. So don't be insulted; use that as a guide to say "I'm coming on too strong. I just need to step back. Take it a little slower here."
What if my spouse and I don't agree on how to discipline?
Discipline, and how to discipline children, is a hard enough thing when you're a couple that have gotten together and have your own children. And very often couples who get together and decide to have children together don't even discuss these things. They don't even talk about discipline until all of a sudden it's time to discipline and they realize they're on two separate pages. You and your partner need to talk about your disciplining styles. The closer you are, the easier this will be. The farther apart you are, the harder this will be. And remembering again, that your step-family has a high failure rate. You need to decide if you have to be right or if you're willing to make concessions. Because if you have to be right and it has to be your way, you're probably not going to be accepted into the step-family. You're always going into it feeling as an outsider and that's the part that belongs on you as the step-parent. For the biological parent, you need to decide if you're going to only hold your way or if you're going to accept some influence by the new partner in your life. Because maybe they have something to offer that will also help you with your parenting. Maybe your kids do need a little more discipline, or maybe you are being a little too harsh. So see if you can open this up, but you need to discuss it-- Where are you different, where are you alike-- and then see if there are some concessions each of you can make to get a little closer to the middle.
Will my stepkids like me more if I don't discipline them?
If you want to be like the Disney Land dad, if you want to be the Disney Land step-parent that you just won't discipline them and then their biological parent is the bad guy yeah your kids will like you a lot but you're partner will hate you. So it's not your role to discipline them at the beginning at all. So you're going to get a free pass there, they're going to like you but there's going to be a point as you integrate more into the household where you need uphold the rules of the house. Which implies then you're supporting the parent in the discipline. If you don't do that and you've split the children off from their parent you're going to cause marital problems. So you have to decide, do you want to be liked by the kids because it won't matter because you're not going to have a marriage. So it's really not going to help you to maintain that as the way of being in the family.